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BIGFATDRUNK

Now sober for the last five minutes. Oops. Nevermind.
Articles Posted: 5  Links Seeded: 1
Member Since: 8/2006  Last Seen: 8/12/2011

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A Newsvine True Story Part II - Ex Post Facto Mortem Spermos

Wed Jul 4, 2007 8:27 PM EDT
health, children, beer, sperm, stud, testicles, vasectomy, hung, awesomeness, silly-and-stupid, hallucination, omfg-not-my-balls
By bigfatdrunk
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I have been undone. I have been de-manned. I am as impotent as a lame duck elementary school fifth grade president. I am vasectomized.

I do not know how to best do Part II. Should I explain it as it happened in the past? Or as I "live-blogged" it in the present? In the interest of accuracy, I have chosen neither.

The longest part was the pre-night preparation. Let's not split hairs: I am one furry dude. I'm pretty sure I could convince even the most hardened anti-evolutionist that at least *I* descended from monkeys. It took me over an hour to shave my nether-regions, and my razor tried to flee on multiple occasions.

About 45 minutes before go-time in the procedure room precisely labeled "VAS", I was asked strip to my t-shirt only in front of a delightfully handsome young man. Phew, he didn't laugh or point at my small genitalia. I mean...OK, I would never make Peter North jealous. He did spray something on me and warned that it would be cold, but it did nothing to enlarge my manhood. And that's when the fun began!

So, let me tell you about the next 45 minutes of my life. Imagine listening to BOB FM through a vasectomy. I did. On my back. The music!, OMG! Def Leppard? Are you kidding? Look, supposedly, BOB FM won't play polka music, but I would've sold my soul for the Dujka Brothers or anybody singing "Hills of Shiner." Def MF Leppard??? When music sucks 20 years ago, it still sucks today. And it never got better.

After those dreadful 45 minutes, the Doc finally walked in, strutting to the heady music of Toni Basil's "Mickey." I kid you not. I am not imaginative enough to consider a 65-year old doctor fondling my testicles to "Mickey." The good Doc asked only two questions: did you take your Xanax?, and do you have any questions? Yes and no. Upon my "No," the doctor dug into my testicles like he hadn't seen a ball sac in a week. I'm pretty sure I heard him growl at some point.

After feeling me up like no prostitute, or even my wife, had ever touched me, he began in earnest. Grabbing my right side in a Vulcan testicle death grip, he said that I was going to feel a little pinch. If being stabbed by a +10 broad longsword is like being pinched, he was dead on. Otherwise, he was a big effing liar. After about a minute of the worst pain I have ever felt in my nutsicles, he dug in. I never dared to raise my head, nor did I ever dare to relax my legs. Eventually, I began to have muscle spasms in both of my hip flexors and my quads. Knowing and feeling what I was feeling, EGADS!!!!, I was feeling a lot of hate.

Of course, not content to unplug righty alone, he proceeded to lefty. Again with the pain of the novacaine shot which, I swear, is akin to being stung by a handful of rabid bees all at once.

Just 10 minutes after the stabbing and groping and outright crying began, it was over. Unfortunately knowledgeable when I'm being sewn up, I knew he was done. The Doc stood back to admire his work, pride (and what might've been a pint of whiskey) gleaming in his eye, announced he was done and abruptly left the room, leaving me asking the same question that has so often been asked of me: is that it?

A different handsome young man entered the room - sheesh, isn't there a chick in this place? - and told me that it was over and I was free to go. It was over? Oh yes, it was over. I watched as he put a couple of pieces of me in little plastic containers and tossed them away like empty beer cans.

So, it's over. There are so many women around the world - and especially Newsvine - who are weeping that will no longer be able to carry my children. The best I can offer is...I've got no substitute. There is nothing akin to carrying my children, who never fuss in utero and come out within 60 minutes of starting labor. Nothing.

And that, my people, is my vasectomy true story.

Hugs and kisses,
The Love Machine formerly known as bigfatdrunk

This is Part II in a series that had better end. Here's Part I

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  • Public Discussion (13)
bigfatdrunk

I dedicate this post to my testicles.

  • 2 votes
Reply#1 - Thu Jul 5, 2007 10:05 PM EDT
Rapp3720

Thanks for the wrap up.

It sounds like it was a fairly easy process, if there is such a thing considering what they were doing...

Ah Hell, I was trying make you feel better, it sounds like it totally SUCKED!!!!

Make sure your wife gives you some "Sexual Healing" once you can function again. She OWES you!!!!

  • 2 votes
Reply#2 - Thu Jul 5, 2007 10:52 PM EDT
Viki Babbles Gonia

She OWES you!!!!

Oh please. Have you ever given birth?

  • 2 votes
#2.1 - Thu Jul 5, 2007 11:11 PM EDT
Rapp3720

Can't say that I have Viki...

I was just trying to give bigfatdrunk some ammo to get him some sympathy sex!!!!

  • 1 vote
#2.2 - Fri Jul 6, 2007 9:38 AM EDT
bigfatdrunk

Conservatively speaking, I'd say that at least 95% of the sex I've had in my lifetime could easily be categorized as sympathy sex.

In the end, I hope, that this will be our best method of protection. Of course, having two young children is incredibly helpful protection, as well.

  • 1 vote
#2.3 - Fri Jul 6, 2007 11:38 AM EDT
Rapp3720

In the end, I hope, that this will be our best method of protection. Of course, having two young children is incredibly helpful protection, as well.

I hear ya. We rent out our son to people who need birth control. Spending a day with him tends to change their mind about having children!!!

  • 1 vote
#2.4 - Fri Jul 6, 2007 4:25 PM EDT
Reply
Viki Babbles Gonia

Wait, am I missing something? Like, everything that happened after the comma?

And, my husband, who went to, I @!$%# you NOT, Dr. Wang, was asked about his music preferences, and they had it all loaded up into an iPod with him when he arrived for his procedure. No Def Leppard for him.

  • 3 votes
Reply#3 - Thu Jul 5, 2007 11:09 PM EDT
Viki Babbles Gonia

Um, nevermind. something wonky there, as the last half of the article was missing when I first read it.

  • 2 votes
#3.1 - Thu Jul 5, 2007 11:09 PM EDT
bigfatdrunk

The doc I wanted to go to was Dr. Dick Chopp. No kidding on that one. Sadly, he was on vacation.

  • 1 vote
#3.2 - Fri Jul 6, 2007 11:40 AM EDT
lauhal

bfd - Check it out. That doctor...

  • 1 vote
#3.3 - Mon Jul 9, 2007 11:51 PM EDT
Reply
lauhal

Oh bigfatdrunk. You poor baby! Yeeeeeouch! You really went through the wringer, didn't you?!

  • 2 votes
Reply#4 - Fri Jul 6, 2007 5:30 PM EDT
bigfatdrunk

*sniff* yes. at least, part of me went through the wringer. it hurts right here.

  • 1 vote
#4.1 - Fri Jul 6, 2007 5:47 PM EDT
lauhal

Don't forget the bag of frozen peas. ;)

  • 2 votes
#4.2 - Fri Jul 6, 2007 5:51 PM EDT
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