Log Out
Visit bigfatdrunk's column >>

BIGFATDRUNK

Now sober for the last five minutes. Oops. Nevermind.
Articles Posted: 5  Links Seeded: 1
Member Since: 8/2006  Last Seen: 8/12/2011

A Newsvine True Story! – Me and My Testicles

Thu Jun 28, 2007 12:09 AM EDT
, , , , , , , , ,
By bigfatdrunk
Advertise | AdChoices

Because I expect everyone on Newsvine to be excited about my testicles, I am making this oh-so-private procedure public: I, bigfatdrunk, will be getting a vasectomy soon.

Now, I'm sure you are saying to yourself, "WTF, why do I care about this?" Everybody cares about my testicles. Everybody. If you deny, you are only kidding yourself about the wonderful awesomeness that are my testicles.

I have to admit that this "procedure" is scaring me. I have spread my seed far and wide, once a little too far, and now it's the end. It's over. I have a wife. I have a son. I have a daughter. Yet, my testicles are sad. All women – that's right, looking at you, babe – should experience my swimmers. Please allow me to let Elijah Dukes' friend speak for me:

"'I want you to have my baby' and he follows that up with 'Can I be your first baby daddy?'"
--Elijah Dukes' ex-wife NeShea Gilbert, on his pickup line.

Y'all should be so lucky. My testicles have helped create two of the most beautiful children in existence (and if I ever meet the real father, I will so kick his ass). This is your last chance, Viners: my testicles will expire shortly. BUY NOW! It's our last chance.

I'll be coming to a theater near you soon, but it just won't matter.

XOXOXOXOX,

BFD

  • Enjoy this article? Help vote it up the 'Vine.

Back To Top | Front Page

Published to:

ZenAid

I can't believe you have the balls to publish this. :-)

Good luck with the op.

  • 5 votes
Reply#1 - Thu Jun 28, 2007 3:01 AM EDT
lauhal

You are nuts, BFD.

  • 4 votes
#1.1 - Thu Jun 28, 2007 11:44 AM EDT
Reply
Rapp3720

This is HILARIOUS!!!!

Nice pic of the hottie handling you!!!!

  • 2 votes
Reply#2 - Thu Jun 28, 2007 12:17 PM EDT
bigfatdrunk

This was fun to write.

I had been pondering writing something up since I decided to get the thing done. I hope to remember to do a follow-up, and it will be my intention to make it as absolutely class-less as this one.

VIVA MIS TESTICLES!

  • 1 vote
#2.1 - Thu Jun 28, 2007 12:29 PM EDT
Rapp3720

lol.

The more classless, the better IMHO!!!

  • 2 votes
#2.2 - Thu Jun 28, 2007 2:03 PM EDT
Reply
urbane gorilla

great. i just laughed snot all over my monitor, and that was just from your tag line.

  • 4 votes
Reply#3 - Thu Jun 28, 2007 1:39 PM EDT
bigfatdrunk

If I accomplish nothing else today, and I won't, I will now consider it a success.

  • 2 votes
#3.1 - Thu Jun 28, 2007 9:48 PM EDT
Reply
Viki Babbles Gonia

Of course we care, BFD! Thanks for sharing. Do you suppose you could have the doctor take some photographs and write an article later detailing the procedure?

;)

Good luck. By the way, frozen peas and corn in plastic bags make great, um, ice bags for the affected area.

  • 2 votes
Reply#4 - Thu Jun 28, 2007 2:32 PM EDT
bigfatdrunk

I'll see if I can get someone to pose with them with a thumbs up or something. That would be sweet, though I'm pretty sure that would break the Newsvine code. Or good taste. What. Ev. Er.

Thanks for the advice. What's funny is I just had major surgery on another body part, but I'm willing to talk about the vasectomy and not the other one. Point being, I've currently got ice packs a-plenty, and that includes a big ole' bag of frozen corn. Never to be eaten. Ever.

  • 1 vote
#4.1 - Thu Jun 28, 2007 9:51 PM EDT
Viki Babbles Gonia

lol! My husband made me put the frozen peas and corn back in the freezer after, um, using them, but I took a Sharpie and wrote "USED TO LOWER SWELLING ON TESTES" on the bags. I just keep pushing them further back into the freezer.

'Course, he gets revenge by writing "DIRTY SWEAT SOCKS" on my packages of goat cheese, but it's not even close to the same thing.

Good luck. It's not as bad as it sounds.

  • 2 votes
#4.2 - Thu Jun 28, 2007 10:41 PM EDT
lauhal

I've currently got ice packs a-plenty, and that includes a big ole' bag of frozen corn.

Erm...niblets. teehee

  • 3 votes
#4.3 - Thu Jun 28, 2007 11:34 PM EDT
bigfatdrunk

Sheesh, talk about kicking a guy while he's down, no matter how true false it is.

    #4.4 - Thu Jun 28, 2007 11:57 PM EDT
    Reply
    Ryan Stolte-Sawa

    This is your last chance, Viners: my testicles will expire shortly. BUY NOW! It's our last chance.

    So, say you're broke, and...

    • 2 votes
    Reply#5 - Thu Jun 28, 2007 10:53 PM EDT
    bigfatdrunk

    Yeah, right, like I would make you pay. of course, as with everyone else I've "known," you would lose substantial chunks of your soul and sanity. That's probably a high enough price.

    (PS: Congrats on graduating!)

    • 3 votes
    #5.1 - Thu Jun 28, 2007 11:32 PM EDT
    Ryan Stolte-Sawa

    Pff. What soul?

    (Thanks!)

    • 3 votes
    #5.2 - Sat Jun 30, 2007 5:58 PM EDT
    Reply
    prompt

    A friend got a vasectomy a few years ago and wrote about it. He also drew little pictures which were pleasantly adapted to new images.

    • 4 votes
    Reply#6 - Mon Jul 2, 2007 10:20 PM EDT
    bigfatdrunk

    Aw crap, man. You've set a high bar for me. And kicked in an additional 16000% increase in anxiety.

    Oh, and thanks for the post :-). The pics were great!

    • 1 vote
    #6.1 - Tue Jul 3, 2007 12:56 AM EDT
    lauhal

    Jon - I have to say that I read the entire post about the vasectomy. Interesting!

    • 1 vote
    #6.2 - Tue Jul 3, 2007 2:13 PM EDT
    Reply
    KyleN

    Working for urologists I see guys waiting for procedures most days in the lobby or back area. One thing most have in common is a 'why am I here look', a wife holding their hand or at least sitting between them and the door, and a baby stroller with the reason for the whole event. Our office gives them a Valium when they check in, it really cut back on the walkouts I heard.

    • 1 vote
    Reply#7 - Mon Jul 2, 2007 11:05 PM EDT
    bigfatdrunk

    They're putting me on...let's see here...Xanax. Just one??? BASTARDS! I'm gonna bring a cooler full of beer, too.

    My wife totally wigged last night. "Are you sure?" We live in a two bedroom house I don't ever plan on leaving. Yes, two kids is enough.

    • 1 vote
    #7.1 - Mon Jul 2, 2007 11:14 PM EDT
    Viki Babbles Gonia

    Depending on the strength, a Xanax should make you not care if they sliced your balls off with a butter knife.

    Interestingly enough, I didn't have the "Are you sure" moment. Maybe that's because I was too busy dragging a whimpering man through a parking lot and shoving him through the door of the doctor's office.

    • 1 vote
    #7.2 - Mon Jul 2, 2007 11:18 PM EDT
    Reply
    ron c. baker sr.

    welcome to the club. hey thats a thought.... maybe we should start a nation wide club... have a newsletter.... maybe even a covention of guys without balls, er, we'll have to call it something less....
    maybe we could have a secrete handshake.....then maybe not... anyway i'll get back to ya.
    hang in there, oops.

    luv,

    ron

    • 1 vote
    Reply#8 - Tue Jul 3, 2007 5:19 AM EDT
    Leave a Comment:
    You're in Easy Mode. If you prefer, you can use XHTML Mode instead.
    Newsvine Privacy Statement
    As a new user, you may notice a few temporary content restrictions. Click here for more info.